Late night FM DJ voice - slow, measured, downward inflection (deep, soft, slow, reassuring - voice of calm and reason). Tactical empathy - you're not adversaries. You're working together to get what you both want. Multi-step no. You never use the word "no". Instead: "How am I supposed to do that?" - Calibrated questions, Mirroring - repeat last three words of the sentence with upward inflection (posing a question). Getting to Yes is wrong! Give the person freedom to say no and you'll find them saying yes. If you ask a question to which they know that that answer you want is yes, they feel manipulated. That's why it's good to start a phone call with "Did I catch you at a bad time?" They can start off saying no:)
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| From the work of Kahneman & Tversky : System 1 (animal mind - fast, instinctive, emotional), System 2 (slow, deliberative, logical) |
Calibrated Questions
Instead of closed yes/no questions, calibrated questions are open-ended and gently steer the conversation while keeping the other party engaged. For example:
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“How am I supposed to do that?”
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“What about this is important to you?”
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“How can we solve this problem together?”
They are “calibrated” because they are crafted to lower defenses, buy time, reveal information, and guide the negotiation without sounding confrontational. Voss often calls them “empowering questions” or a way to make the other side feel in control—while you are actually steering the direction.
Negotiating - What's It's All About (Hint: Listening, and Getting them to "Hear" Your "Listening"
Demonstrate an understanding of what they are going through and how they feel about it. Starts with universal premise that people want to be accepted and understood. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, the negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to understand what the other side is experiencing. Psychotherapy research shows that, when individuals feel listened to, they listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. They become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view - gets them to the calm and logical place where they can be good getting-to-yes problem solvers. The whole concept is called Tactical Empathy - listening as a martial art - balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intel and the assertive skills of influence to gain access to the mind of another person. Listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.
How the Haggle Actually Goes
The key to haggling is the start by rattling the other guy ever so gently. In the nicest way possible.
(after being quoted the $36k price by the salesman).
You: I can put $30k upfront and all in cash. I can give you a check today for the full amt. Sorry, can't pay any more.
Salesperson: I'm sure you can understand that we can't do that. The sticker price is $36k after all.
You: How am I supposed to do that (deferentially)?
Salesperson: I'm sure we can figure something out with financing $36k
You: It's a beautiful truck, amazing, I can't tell you how much I'd like to have it. It's worth more than I'm offering. I'm sorry, I just can't do that price. (any response that's not outright rejection means you have the edge!)
Salesperson: boss has okayed $34k.
You: Wow. Offer is very generous and this is the car of my dreams. I wish I could do that. I really do. So embarrassing. I really can't.
Salesperson: You win, manager okayed $32k. (pushes paper across to sign).
You: I'm so grateful. You've been very generous and I can't thank you enough. The truck is worth more than my price. I'm sorry, I just can't do that.
Salesperson: We can do that.
TBC..
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