Amazing, Simply Amazing. How Do They Do It?

If you haven't watched the CC Roast of Donald Trump, I say you're missing out on the 8th Wonder of the World.

Gilbert G : Donald has done so much damage to the NY Skyline that, I think, instead of calling him the Donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker.

Just one of about 100. Incredible stuff. And they're all such good sports!

Snoop Dogg : Lisa L is the only one who's f'd Larry King, Don King, Rodney King and Billie Jean-King in a Burger King bathroom.

1. I clearly don't give a s about this show, so I'm the perfect host for this show or for the oscars
2. recently we lost a very talented and beloved performer and it would be wrong not to ack him and to say how much he'll be missed. Larry King died 10 minutes ago (he's on the dais)
3. Larry, you're old. Don't deny it. Everytime you lie, your balls grow longer.
4. Snoop Dogg is here. Now Snoop, be honest, when you were backstage, did you (makes smoking joint impression) .. you know .. blow Jeff Ross?
5. Since our man of the hour was stupid enough to agree to this, let's get started making one more piece of garbage with D Trump's name on it.
6. Please welcome the 2nd worst tragedy ever to hit NY city.
7. That's right, for all his self-starter bullshit, he's Jaden Smith with a combover.
8. You're a grown man, you've got hair like Dennis the Menace. What's going on here? Did you fall head-first into a cotton-candy machine?
9. BTW, the producers of our show have asked me to interpret that joke for the handicapped person on our stage, the "hey Situation, rich guy have funny hair."
10. Donald, it's pronounced huge, not euge. And here's another one, it's pronounced, "I am f'in delusional, not I am running for President."
11. That's right, Trump says he's running for P in 2012. But if his plan for America is to fire everyone, he's about 2 years too late.
12. But for me, it's kind of hard to vote for a guy whose resting facial expression is "who farted?" (makes monkey face)
13. And he also sells Trump cologne. And fellows, that stuff can get you laid. Basically, you pour it onto a cloth and press it onto a woman's face until she stops struggling.
14. But, even when you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, hard times can strike. And that's what happened to D. He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation : starring in his own reality show. And soon, the top-rated TV show in the nation starred a total asshole torturing people who were stupid enough to work with him. In addition to 2 and a Half Men, the Apprentice was also a pretty popular show.
15. This guy has an ego. When T bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.
16. Jokes aside, I was thrilled when they offered me the op to roast such a brilliant, charismatic, totally self-made billionaire who, I believer, will one day run this country. Then the Facebook guy canceled and we were stuck with your bloated ass.
17. So, as she huffs and puffs and makes her way to the podium, please welcome the queen of mean, Lisa Lampanelli
18. I love Seth Mcfarland. He's gayer than Ryan Seacrest's a$$h.
19. I joke Seth, I love your work. I especially like that weird baby you made with that enormous football shaped head. Oh wrong, sorry, that was for my Sarah Palin roast.
20. Ah, look at Marlee, sitting up there like she's normal. Hey Marlee, you read lips right, what's my cameltoe saying?
21. Look at Larry King. Larry King is a legend. In this business, Larry in known as a triple thread. At any time, he could have a heart-attack, stroke, or shit his pants.
22. Larry King is an elderly b*d. Seriously, those suspenders aren't for his pants, they're for his balls.
23. Speaking of old crips, Snoop Dogg is here. 
24. On a past roast, Snoop claimed I wanted to bang him. Please! If I want to bang a skinny black man with braids I'll call Alicia Keyes.
25. Snoop's not the only musical artist on the dais, Marilyn Manson is here. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Whitney Cummings.
26. You know Whitney, people in this business hate you because you're beautiful and vain. Not me. I hate you because you're a c.
27. Anthony Jezelnik is here. I'll pause for a few moments so those of you at home can Wikipedia him.
28. It's great you're here Anthony. What happened? Is Daniel Tosh busy getting fisted in Key West?
29. It's great to see my friend Jeff Ross here tonight doing what he does best : sitting and watching funny people tell jokes.
30. Wow Jeff, ... hair joke - seen better hair on Susan Boyle's taint.
31. Don't you laugh at a hair joke Trump - look at that helmet. What do you say to a barber to get that? I f'd your daughter?
32. Situation from the Jersey Shore. You're all over TV. And you have a book out. I tried ordering your book on Amazon.com. Amazon said customers who bought this book also bought a rope and a stool.
33. But enough about Chachie. The reason we're here. Donald, tonight people will make fun of your looks. F them. You've always gotten beautiful women. You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. 
34. You're disappointed more women's lives than Sex and the City 2.
35. You are the ultimate proof that money can buy good looking booty. If you were broke, you'd be f'ing me.
36. But that's all behind you know. Donald is very happy with his lovely wife "insert name here."
37. I joke. D's wife's name is Malania, which is Slovenian for "get that wrinkled p off of me."
38. Mr. Trump, you're overcome obstacles to become a huge success. You're put up more worthless hotels than an autistic kid playing monopoly. 
39. You have made Trump more than a name. You've made it a brand, a brand, like Massengil because you're a bloated stinky douche.
40. Tonight we are happy to be joined by L. King. As a TV host, he knew exactly when to retire, but he stayed another 20 years anyway.
41. He has a spine like a question mark as if his body is asking : "How did I get 7 women to f me?"
42. Please welcome a chattering pirate skeleton on loan from Disneyland, my friend, Larry K
43. To prepare for this roast, I read a book - Jeff Ross's ... Jeff, my last pre-nup was funnier, and, unlike you, I wrote it myself.
44. If you're just joining us, we're here with Lisa Lumpybelly. Lisa is a shot comic, but only if you look at her face.
45. And now, Snoop Dogg. Good old double shizzle. Snoop told me during the break that he once had a DNA test that found he is only 71% black. If you're 71% black, that means you're 29% not guilty.
46. Snoop Dogg is up next. That right there, was my impression of a receptionist at a parole office.
47. We're here to roast Trump, but I got to give a shout out to my old friend Larry K. Backstage, I handed Larry a joint and he rubbed Ben Gay into it.
48. We got Lisa L in the house. Lisa is a stone-cold freak. Lisa f'd Larry King, Don King, Rodney King and Billie-Jean King in a Burger King bathroom.
49. This bitch likes to eat for real. If you want to f Lisa doggie style, all you got to do is put a bowl of food on the floor.
50. Marlee, you so fine. Having s with you would be like rolling up on someone. You never hear me coming.
51. Whitney Cummings, look at you sitting up there your skinny a. I roll blunts fatter than you, but you been passed around a little bit more.
52. But right now, things are popping for Whitney y'all. Everybody in Hollywood is talking about her. And they're all saying the same thing, "I think that b gave me herpes."
53. This is an ugly biz man. I mean, look at Jeff Ross. He is one ug mf. When he was born, his mother s during her delivery. When she looked down, she thought she had twins.
54. Look at his droopy face, saggy skin, rubbery wet lips. If Jeff had a string hanging from his mouth, he'd look like Lisa's ---
55. No, seriously, I like Jeff. You know why? Coz he'll do anything to get a laugh, except say something funny.
56. No, onto the real player.... (jokes) For real though, I'd love to f one of Trump's ex wives, just to find out what's it like to come into money.
57. Donald says he want to run for .. President and move on into the W House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home.
58. Our next roaster, W Cummings, can be seen this summer in her one woman show, "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Swallowing."
59. She's got the body of a crack wh, but, she's got the razor-sharp wit of a crack wh..
60. Some people say Whitney struggles with bulimia, but I'd say she's actually quite good at it.
61. Snoop, you speak worse english than Marlee Matlin.
62. Situation, people don't like you lifting up your shirt to show your abs, but I endorse it. In fact, I think you should lift it up even more to cover this (face) situation..
63. Donald Trump is very rich. He's literally rolling in dough - which means he knows what it's like to f Lisa Lampanelli.
64. Donald, you're gross, nobody likes you, but you come back every couple of years. Nobody knows why. You're like the McRib.
65. You got Malania a huge 12 carat diamond engagement ring. You should not have gotten her a diamond - now she knows what hard is supposed to feel like.
66. Tonight is the beginning of his (The Situation) 15th minute of fame.
67. A lot of people laughed at him for hooking up with his co-star Snookie, but, Italians are known for grinding organs with monkeys.
68. No need to clap, he already has it, please welcome..
69. Tonight Anthony Jezelnik is going to leave his stamp on the roast. And tomorrow, he's going to use that stamp to buy food.
70. Whitney's had more undeserved opportunities than a Native American applying for college.
71. Look at this dais, you've got a pimp, a murderer and a drug dealer and 8 white people.
72. Mike Sorentino - you're doing really well - you've got endorsements, a cologne, a vodka. You've got your name on everything... except a high-school diploma.
73. Trump, the only diff between you and M. Douglas in Wall Street is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
74. Can you believe Jeff actually asked me out? I said Jeff, I'm deaf, not blind! (Marlee Matlin)
75. Gilbert G : Speaking of ballroom Mr. Trump, how are those spanks holding up?
76. Jeff Ross : Well Trump, are you having a good time? Well tell your face.
77. Larry King's first caller was Alexander G Bell. Larry K Live. Even the title was an oxymoron.
78. I love Larry. He recently quit his show. He plans on spending his retirement opening a jar (?? what?)
79. Whitney's so busy these days, working on 3 pilots and that was just on the flight in.
80. Donald's ego is so big, he videotapes himself m'ing and then m's to that video.
81. Running for Pres. Personally I hope you win because I can't wait for the assaassi, I mean the inauguration.
82. Trump : Lisa, or as I say, Miss USDA, I want you to be a judge at my next Miss Universe pageant. Because, like the U, you're always expanding and filled with dark matter.