How do you keep that show on the air?
That wasn't a premise to a joke. That was a real question.
I don't want to say no one watches it, but more people have seen Dennis Rodman reading. (It's even funnier because D is in the audience or on the stage..)
To Bea Arthur (and Pam A) you both were quintessential feminist icons of your day and you both blew Kid Rock.
BTW, Pam, Kid Rock wanted to be here, but he got stuck in a 20 year old.
Adam Corolla - you horse-toothed *rd. You have a mouth full of 2 by 4's. Everytime you smile I remember to waterproof my deck.
Good to see Eddie Griffin. Eddie Griffin - people said there wouldn't be any big movie-stars here tonight and they were right.
Pam : You're environmentally conscious but you've caused more seed to be spilled than the department of agriculture.
What's the deal with the implants Pam? They're in, they're out, they're in, they're out - jeez Pam, they're not contact lenses, they're tits. You've been inflated and deflated more times than Jeff Ross's prom date.
You've done so much - humanitarian causes, TV show, written 2 books. You're busier than Courtney's pharmacist.
2 books Pam! What's up with that? You've written more books than you've read.
To Carrot Top. What did you do to your face? How did you do that? You look retarded. How did you find a plastic surgeon who could add a chromosome?
Jeff Ross - you're running a talent show! Where did you get the balls? You running a talent show is like Michael Vick running the ASPCA.
Snoop, you've killed people, you're filled with toxins, you've been banned from every country on the planet. You're like Chinese toothpaste.
Cheech and Chong - just when I thought you were gone, you came back. You're like the herpes of comedy.
Toby Keith is here. Toby, I'm glad you could take time off from spitting on Mexicans to be here. Toby, you put the "big" in bigot.
Larry the Cable Guy - you've been inside more farm animals than Purina.
You lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem and another 10 when you shaved your back.
How are you so popular!??? Your fans can't afford cable. They're not coming because you're funny. They're coming to see you because they've never seen a cable guy.
Tom Arnold is here. Tom, so glad you could take time off from being Rosanne's ex husband. Joan actually named another of her s*ty watches after you. The Tom Arnold edition - it never stops ticking and it used to come in a giant hairy box.
Joan, what the f did you do to your upper lip? Not just you all the rubber-faced monsters out here - what goes into peoples' heads? Why? Really? Is that good? How much worse could your real face look than that clown mask you've had welded onto your head? You used to look your age, but now you don't even look your species.
Look at this dais - it's not a roast, it's a melt. The devil has signed so many deals with you people, he's got carpel tunnel's syndrome.
Jeff Ross - how fat are you planning on getting? You're getting faster than you're aging. You're like the curious case of Benjamin Glutton.
Speaking of fat and ugly, Hulk Hogan is here everybody. I can't imagine why your wife loves you. You're an old man who dresses like a Hooters waitress.
Hoff, you're even more popular in Europe. The Queen knighted you. She dubbed you Sir Ossis of Liver. Have you ever not been drunk? You used to have a car that started when you talked to it. Now you have a car that won't start when you blow into it.
You're such a drunk that when alcohol does its taxes, it lists you as a dependent.
Your liver is so shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to your stomach, you could hear, "what you talking about Willis?"
Ralphie May - you're like the population of India - big, sweaty and double in size every year. You're the only guy who watches porn and comes when the guy delivers the pizza.
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